So, the other day in one of my English classes a girl looked over at my hand and just started staring at it. She had this look of total surprise, this look of, “How are you doing that with your fingers?” I looked down and stared too. I didn’t see anything wrong. . . . besides the fact that my fingers were missing.
I smiled. She stared.
I get those kinds of weird looks all the time, oh since I was like 9 years old when I had this tragic bowling ball incident in Winslow AZ. I went bowling and the finger holes on the ball were too small. I threw the ball and *pop* my fingers went with the ball.
Ok, so that was a complete lie, and it’s usually the first ones that I tell people when I meet them (The other one is that I don’t know how to play Starcraft). It’s actually pretty hilarious how many people actually believe that my fingers were crushed off while bowling. Everyone knows it was a tragic garbage disposal accident. . . .ew, gross.
Anyway, over the years I’ve come up with some pretty awesome stories about how I lost my fingers, and this list gets bigger every time I meet someone new. Almost every person I meet has met someone who has lost their fingers and feels it’s necessary to tell me their story (so I don’t feel bad). This is also accentuated by the fact that my grandpa had one of his fingers chopped off and told us stories of how that happened. I was scared to wash dishes, paint, or play with my belly button for years because of him.
But, you know, there are some definite advantages to having 8.5 fingers:
1. I can give high 3 and a halfs (so excited for the day I can give high fives)
2. When I was in high school, girls would ask to hold my hand just to see what it was like. Score one for Joe.
3. I never have to get my fingernails clipped.
4. I get 15% off when I get a manicure.
5. Getting your fingers cut off is a great wart remover.
6. See #2
So, you know, things aren’t that bad.
And I want to go bowling.
Maybe someday I’ll actually tell about the amazing surfing/shark accident. . . .or just tell the truth.
:)
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It's okay that you only have 8 1/2 fingers because I have an uncle that only has 8 and two 1/2s. See, my dad and he were trying to move a boulder and they got it into the front of one of those machiney things that have bowl like things to hold big stuff. Anyway, my uncle was holding the boulder in, and my dad was supposed to tilt the bowl thingy back, but instead tilted it forward. And off went two halfs. So don't feel bad about only having 8 1/2.
ReplyDeleteOkay, seriously, I have never heard the high 3 1/2s joke before. That one made me laugh out loud. And I must admit that I did hold hands with a boy who was missing a couple fingers partially because I wanted to know what it felt like. (Don't worry, we were great friends. He wasn't offended. :)
Manicures...you metrosexual.
ReplyDeleteD*** Winslow. I hate that place even more now that they took your fingers! It has nothing to do with the fact that I was once involved in a high speed chase and frisked and nearly arrested there.
My elementary school Principal was missing all but his thumb on his right hand and he never told the same story either. As far as I remember, he lost the fingers to a shark, in a wheat thresher, lying next to train tracks, and falling hand-first onto an overturned lawn-mower.
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